Last Cat On Mars Presents: Where Cowboys Go When The Wild West Wanes

Didn’t every kitten play cowboys and aliens and lemonade stands and baguettes with their siblings and neighbouring cats of all the lovely varieties under the Martian sun? I know I did.

So it was no surprise at all to find this gaggle of upstanding equines and not-terribly-wild westerners discussing the important thing in life: hats and their place in the synchronised scheme of things.

Also, tuna-flavoured lemonade – the next big thing at your nearest pretentious cafe – move over coconut butter latte frappe-cino with hundreds and thousands, your time is up.

Where Cowboys Go When the Wild West Wanes - cowboys and an alien with Last Cat discussing their hats

Last Cat On Mars Presents: The Alien Variations – #1: Canoe in Pointybitts Style

I don’t know D’Arcy or Anthony personally, but the fact that they exchanged their spaceship here on Mars with some rogueish southerner from the Medusae Fossae Formation seems to follow a family pattern. Two of my actual friends, Cy and Clark, have already committed to the Red Canoe Cult – you can check them out enjoying a little angling in the Hale crater. They bear a remarkable resemblance to these two soon-to-be fishin’ fools.

Aliens in a red canoe discussing the swap with their spaceship

Last Cat On Mars Presents: Tokyo Dreaming, Or Wave Goodbye to the Rio Folympics

In the dim dark long ago, this little cat owned a VW Bug. Red it was, and gorgeous, and I drove it to college and back each day. Sometimes, my dear mother, Mrs On Mars, would accompany me over to the city where we’d pay bills and otherwise enjoy a day out. It was, however, a lightweight small vehicle and was often buffeted by not-very-strong winds as we crossed the bridge from the northside to the seething metropolis that was my regional hometown in the – well, a while ago. Such adventures we had, eh Pip.

Furthermore, there is nothing nicer than a trip to the beach, a fish and chip lunch, and an ice-cream with your beloved. Enjoy.

Surfers think they're already at Tokyo 2020 for the surfing competition

Last Cat On Mars Presents: Congratulations Chloe Esposito – Gold Medallist Modern Pentathlon

Hello sports-a-rama fans, and it goes without saying that we say from Mars: Congratulations and Celebrations to Chloe Esposito, a true all-rounder. Go you good thing, as we say in the Martian classics. Wait, you’ve already been and gone – yippeekyay from far away!!!!!

Chloe Esposito winning gold in pentathlon rio olympics 2016

Last Cat On Mars Presents: The Folympic Dark Side – We Don’t Want To Go There

At the Dairy Queen oh-so-long ago, in the intermission between Saturday night movies at the Rex Theatre, some boys would buy a soft drink with a famous name (rhymes with bloke), add the contents of a once famous headache powder (rhymes with hex) mix it up, and, gasp, drink it. It gave them a little high. That’s all I know, your magnificence.

A group of scientists mixing up drugs to make athletes go faster, further, get stronger, bigger, etc.

Last Cat On Mars Presents: Folympic Ffencing 2016

Do I remember a late Friday night, early Saturday morning, circa 1981, when a young man and myself fenced our way up the hill at Rosalie, fallen palm fronds for our epees, silliness our favourite feeling as we danced through the night? Why, yes, I do, and I sometimes wonder where that young man ended up, apart from decades older. Well, actually, I know, and I also know that we’ll always have that Friday-Saturday in Rosalie, and I certainly hope the palm fronds recovered well. Touche, Michael.

Fencers with cheer squad and carpenter with saw who's come to build a chicken coop (he has the wrong 'foil')

Last Cat On Mars Presents: The Folympics Loves Cycling Selfies

I haven’t ridden a bicycle in many a long Martian year (not since high school, actually), but I heartily endorse those who do, as long as they stay out of the way of my RoverOverYou RoverMobile 3000a.

As for the selfie-centred, selfie-taking narcissists in Esther Williams formation, let’s simply nod our heads and wish them well, for soon enough their neediness will consume them, rather like a Martian dust storm during which one takes the opportunity offered by its handsome red cloudiness to RoverOver a few of them. Did I say that?

Cyclists on the outside, selfie takers inside the circle with panda asking the way to the Beijing Bamboodrome