Category Archives: Variety Show

Last Cat On Mars Presents: Origins OR Where In Legless Legumia Did I Come From Oh Podless Podcastoff Parental Types – #4: Rory the Head Cyclist is Kidding

While I sympathise with the peladophobics of the world, I’m not one to spend my time doing anything but grooming my luxurious fur coat. Fortunately, I am not now, nor was I ever, a doraphobe, nor an ichthyophobe – for someone of my species, that would be, well, unacceptable, also chilly, and hungry-making much. My gratitude knows no bounds.

Pod people growing from pea pods to adulthood section by section

Last Cat On Mars Presents: A Question Of Interpretation

I would simply like to point out that Jibber Jabber is a preferred language at the Ye Olde Mars-y Tavern, Bistro, Grill & Tuna Tagine on the shores of the beautiful Erythraean Sea here on the fourth rock. Especially after midnight.

Man lecturing on jibber jabber the indispensable language of the century

Last Cat On Mars Presents: Origins OR Where for Glory’s Sake Did I Come From, Delightful Panna Cotta Papa and Mama and/or Ice-Creamy Custardy Carers – #3: What With All The Climate Change

While I’m the last to approve of babies in cold places without their soft little bunny rugs, it appears that some babies thrive in such environments, even when they are wearing stolen hats that are possibly a tad too large for them. Warm, though.

It may be the case that when I was but a teeny, tiny kitten, I thought the Abominable Snowman was actually the Abdominal Snowman – a common misinterpretation, and loss of a syllable, from what I’ve heard.

But, even so, and however, and yeti I say unto you, would it not be far more enjoyable to be discussing haute cuisine and cucina culture with an expert so expert she or he was named for it? In the early days, I called it the Abdominal Identity. As time went by, it morphed into The Abdominal Supremacy, then the  Abdominal Ultimatum (it was often given to hyperbolic tendencies), and finaly, naturally, the Abdominal Legacy.

I must say that’s an awful lot of abdominal tuna under the bridge, folks.

Abominable snowmen and babies growing in a freezer

Last Cat On Mars Presents: When Poles Collide Don’t Poke The Bear

If I hear one more word about the wonderful marvelosity of coal-fired power stations, I’m firing the utterererer. “You’re fired,” I shall say, and I shall say it to him, no matter how lovely his head of melting orange tuna bake may be.

Polar bear, penguin, and camel at the North Pole together enjoying climate change

Last Cat On Mars Presents: Origins OR Where In Valhalla’s Name Did I Come From, Darling Parents and/or Gobstoppers – #2: Swablings Are Doing It For Themselves

Did you know that pirates love cats? Yes, they do, in fact, to the tune of 99.9999% repeating and so on, and again, to be not quite precise but most certainly annoying.

The earliest known pirates were sailing and raiding quite some time ago, in the 14th century BC (not Before Cats, for those who may be curious). They were called the Sea Peoples, and their preference was for tuna bullion, tuna boullion, and tuna barnacle wedges (with sour light cream). Hence, their affinity, over time, with felis catuseseseses.

Divers discover baby pirates growing in the ocean depths

Last Cat On Mars Presents: Whatever You Say, Say Nothing

I harboured, briefly, ambitions to be a mime, a great mime, like Marcel Marceau, the original and most silent (and possibly, the palest). Alas, I realised that the incredible advantage I possessed in the form of my most expressive, and silent, tail, would render all competition redundant.

And mimes, as you well know, dear, silent readers, are extremely combative types. Nonetheless, in my own quiet way I have continued to practice, and I now dominate the world of meowmes, so the mimes don’t have to worry or even cry out aloud about their misfortune.

Meowmes rule, though, they do.

Nervous mime performing in park for grandmother and child