Category Archives: Variety Show

Last Cat On Mars Presents: Climate Change, it’s a thing. Yes, indeed.

When I was but a wee kitten, my parents and overly competitive sibling and I would travel into the hill country to visit Mama’s sister, Beck From Jupiter, and her husband, Lomas (we never worked out where he was from, lovely head of fur, though).

There I would play in the yard with my overly competitive sibling while the adults got on with their plans to rule the cosmos. He was older than me, OCS was, and could be relied upon to initiate ridiculous games and quizzes, such as, ‘How full is that water tank?’ Anxious to please, and win, I would spend most of the day tap-tap-tapping at the water tank with my tiny, ineffectual little knuckles (yes, of course, cats have knuckles, they’re just well hidden) and asking, ‘Is that it? Is that it?’ of my OCS who, of course, always replied, ‘No, it is not, young Last. Keep tapping,’ as he sashayed around the fenceline in search of, shall we say, playful lizards.

It was a source of persistent curiosity to my mother that, at the end of these idyllic sessions on the hill, I would be completely incapable of holding the tidbits of river trout Mama handed over to my OCS and me in the back seat. My bruised knuckles would refuse to co-operate, and eventually, after much meowing and consideration, she would haul me into the front seat and onto her lap where she’d paw-feed me the teeny morsels.

Needless to say, my OCS in the back seat all alone was rather livid with this outcome, but was I devoid of a master plan just because I was younger, tinier, adorable-er, bruised-er? No, gentle reader, no, I was not.

Carry on.

Climate change featuring frogs, a cow, a water tank.

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Last Cat On Mars Presents: Capes Alive, Cape-a-Licious

Fun fact: Did you know that Superman’s most famous but little quoted quotation is: ‘Cape me, Robin, and be quick about it.’ It is important to note, however, that Superman uttered this gem when he was in a delusional state due to over-consumption of Superglue (he thought it was a treat made especially for him), believing himself to be that other famous capester, Batman.

Other than that, we’re with our caped friend in the comic: we just love capes. They are particularly useful here on Mars when the north-east-south-west wind blows a gale, which it does quite often, bloody thing.

Capes hanging on a clothesline and a minifigure wearing Thursday's cape.

Last Cat On Mars Presents: A Carnivorous Observation

It seems like only yesterday – wait, it was only yesterday, in Martian days. That extra 39 minutes and 35 seconds simply flew by. Well, it seems like only yesterday that I, too, needed the extra heft of a meditation garden to see me through lunch. And now, here are Tim and Darren, similarly situated. I don’t think it’s a vegan garden, but I guess that’s something to chew on over the BBQ.

A quick meditation practice for all you wannabe breathabees: Count to 7 while inhaling. Hold for a few seconds short of bursting a vessel in your forehead. Exhale while counting to 7 and imagine the rainbow as you do it if you wish. Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue Indigo, Violet. Yes, I get the Indigo and Violet mixed up, too, but then cats are colour-blind – what’s your excuse, cobber?

Shark head and Steer head meet in the meditation garden and they are hungry.

Last Cat On Mars Presents: Extremely Very Retro Tiny House

I know, but I like tiny houses of almost any kind. I’m a cat, what can I say? We love small, snuggly places that can also relocate quickly when a family of canines moves in next door.

What do you think of the tiny house revolution, friends? Want one? Envious of Peter and Daphne? Don’t worry, they’re about to find out what owning two very hungry equine types involves, especially in terms of, shall we say, clean up! Good luck with that when you don’t have a litter-box big enough – hahahaha – ha! Constant tiny house movement, that’s the ticket.

A couple discussing their new tiny house covered wagon and whether or not the horses will like them. Likewise, the horses

Last Cat On Mars Presents: Old Toy Reunion of Regrets

Old toys, new toys, we all love ’em all, whatever their age, whatever their state. I have a Teddy Bear – they’re named after Theodore Roosevelt, you know – who was passed down to me by my brother. Actually, to be truthful, my brother didn’t so much pass Teddy down to me as throw him out of his cot in fright. He really didn’t like the ursine furball. But I did, and do, and we are often to be seen snuggling on a cold Martian night, searching for Earth in the evening sky. Even more often, though, we are searching for that wretch of a takeaway delivery hound with our Honeyed Tuna Melt Bites.

It is also suggested that Theodore ‘Teddy’ Roosevelt said this: Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can. It will be enough. Try it out next time you are suffering in extremis and see if it helps. I think it will, friends and grasshoppers. You can only do what you can do, Honeyed Tuna Melt Bites notwithstanding.

Crusader talking to astronauts about their trips

Last Cat On Mars Presents: Optimists – Do They Really Have A Future?

Yes, I know, but Smiley McSmileface is not related to Moai McMoaiface, except for the face bit, and the Scottish connection. You try coming up with names for every single person who passes your Martian door and see how you go, pal.

All right, tantrum over, let us hope with all our hearts that the future is indeed one where politicians do all those things Smiley The Deluded mentioned – hahahahahahhaha – I find myself typing hahahahahhaha more and more frequently these days – it must stop, and the tuna must flow – preferably downhill and onto my loving and receptive lips (of which I have none, or none that you can detect – the whiskers tend to get in the way). Go in peace now, and search for an honest politician – I dare you…


The optimist dreams of a world where everyone does the right thing

Last Cat On Mars Presents: The Magical Properties of the Humble Park Bench

Park benches are not widely seen here on Mars, though reminiscing certainly is. We all wonder about our next trip off-world, as it were. And then we realise how lucky we are to be here away from the maddening crowds of pollies, and bullies, and liars and baying hounds (that last one is for the feline among us). And we calm down, make a nice cup of tea, and spread some anchovette over a few crackers for afternoon tea. You’re welcome to the recipe – phone 1800-FISH-A-RAMA.

Old lego figures wondering if they'll ever make a comeback